Dates:
>17.01.24 >08.11.23>21.10.23 >10.06.23>20.10.23 >06.06.23>04.12.22 >02.06.23>03.12.22 >15.04.23>1-2.12.22 >21.03.23>30.11.22 >10.03.23>05.10.22 >14.02.23>18.09.22 >23.01.23>03.09.22 >19.01.23>03.08.22 >30.12.22>26.07.22 >29.12.22>25.07.22 >15.12.22>24.07.22 >13.12.22>22.07.22

17/01/24
I just want to share some thoughts, im not feeling sad or anything. I dont know how to be friendly in real life. I got used to have a constant fear of people in my head and it makes me get into any social interections with always a thought that these people may be not happy to see me around or even ready to make fun of me when they just get a chance to do so, or just simply hate me. i skipped last tea party i had in university because i felt very anxious to play games like mafia with others. I dont feel like i can even act like im enjoying game because its all connected with people around me, id have to interact, and they surely dont like my presence. I thought But when i packed everything and lied my teacher that my mom gets me back home earlier for a dinner or some boring shit, my classmates became very friendly?..They almost all said goodbye to ONLY ME with smiles on their faces. But it feels very very very wrong, because we dont talk usually at all and here you all are just smiling. This situation doesnt change the fact that people can really be mean to you and unfriendly tho, but i really need to learn how to be in a positive mood about others. Because i see them like a threat. On the internet its easy to chat with others, when someone texts me first its even more surprising. I like and love people here, theres no problem with that. At about uhhh 7th grade i was already making my research on what misanthropy even is, but i remember it like i was searching "hows a person who hates other people called" because i thought that i feel exactly that. Doesnt have much difference anyway. I just know that i had that fear since early age, THO i dont hate people and cant even say that i ever had a very terrible experience with someone so it affected, no. Nothing too bad, no trauma. I probably was trying to understand what i feel, even now i may be mistaking what i feel, maybe its not a fear of people how i call it here. I dont want to call it social phobia, i CAN interact, i CAN ask cashier extra stuff if i need i dont feel too shy or nervous. I just wish i could take things easier yk, i just want to have friends and hang out without feeling like its a prize i got for much effort of not acting how i usually do, i really wish i could find someone who i could be honest with in real life too. Its just weird seeing others easily talking together. When i speak first it looks like a person is uncomfortable, im not a weirdo i dont just approach a person randomly and stare at them, i dont know, i do everything that others do. Okay, in kindergarten i had trouble communicating too, i had two close friends of opposite gender, but anyway most of times i was drawing alone and kindergarten teacher would try make me play with others. Every time same scenario, i stand near this group teacher lead me too, and then i go sit and draw alone again. I need to analyze my behaviour in early ages more later, i dont think mentioning a little part here will do anything but ok. I just never felt comfortable with people, at same time i want to have tons of friends who'll accept me, and to be left alone somewhere quiet without any soul other than my own. I didnt mean to make all this text about my lack of friends, its not really about that, im glad and happy with what i have now, just world around me, city, those random people im not close with scare me. I want to be more positive even alone.And after all i said, imagine, what happens in my head when someone i trusted a lot betrays me or says smth mean. Ok im done for today, thanks!

08/11/23
Guess who finally found time to upload new art?U know the answer. Online friends help me dealing with loneliness, i dont feel like i can thank them enough so i like to make small drawings, only rarely i finish them and let people see. Last days were nice, start of the week is always more relaxing for me, on Thursdays im dead.

21/10/23
GOOD NEWS!for me lol not long ago i bought millipedes, they're like my children and meaning of my life now.Theyre so little yet and on cucumber dietXDD(person who i bought them from said they only ate cucumbers and they're ok with that) maybe later i'll attach little photo there :) (also im going crazy i dont understand why link to 3.07.23 leads to this date ^^

20/10/23
A bit of vent just because i feel like i want to share some thoughts rn.NOO IM NOT DYING OR ANYTHING and i dont feel sad,just want to leave it somewhereeee okkkkk. So,sometimes i realize that irl i dont have much connections and talking in general.At home im mostly without parents, with other relatives i hardly ever talk,just share few words and thats all(probably relatable to some people haha).So i can count it as that i dont talk much when im at home.Then when and where i talk??? At university.I have one good friend, but even she has closer friends than me, so i feel like im loosing her more and more every day.With other uni guys i didnt find much matching interests(i ACTUALLY DIDNT MEET ANYONE WHO SHARES ANY FANDOMS I LIKE,only a lot of art dudes). Person who i call my best irl friend never suggests me to go somewhere together, im usually the one who asks for it.And one thing hurt me few days ago, is that when we decided to go home after uni together, my friend kept talking with her other new uni friends, after some time she even asked why th i keep annoying her by my presence. And it all leads to the fact that im getting too attached to online friends.Some of them are su1c1dal and i dont know how to explain that i truly care for them, theyre most important people for me even if i didnt see their faces. But at least they give me some complany and convince me that im not lonely. And i know what to do to get more irl friends, to get actual talking, but im just... i think i got used to how i live???And i honestly dont meet anyone who i want so much to be a friend with,maybe i judge people a lot, maybe its about my trust issues idk. Now that i said all that i WONT give my neocities acc to any same uni student XDDDD idk might delete later,i just wanted to take it of my chest in fact its written on 21st of October, i just wanted to seperate depressing post and a post with good news :))

09/06/23
ngl,feel awkward when neighbours see me shooting.It happened again(

06/06/23
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=xWLQKX9bX6UWent for a walk today.That's all, i want to sleep

02/06/23
HELLOOO I MISSED POSTING HERE SO MUCH. Okay, i changed some features here, now it's easier to navigate,i added dates and links for each day. I didn't know that i have so many days here already XD Sooo..School was killing me last weeks, so it's kinda the reason why i was here so so rarely. I look forward to post more this summer, so stay around.I had a thought of returning the dreams page, to write down my dreams again but i'm not sure.I had fun time sharing some of my dreams with others who are not here on neocities, so it gave me some motivation.But yeah, those who i was sharing with i'm not talking to anymore, so i'm coming back here, talking to myself, and hoping that maybeee someone else has interest to read it too :D For now i have 7 spiders in epoxy resin, one of them is surprisingly big for area i live in, i found it just randomly.It lived for about two months (ITRIEDMYBESTTOKEEPITALIVE) but as always, it died.So now i can wear it like a pendant or something.I did it once and i liked my classmate's comment: -(myname),I understand you're a creative person or something, but it looks scary af. And then classmate asked how much more i have, i felt actually great with others asking me things about what i like. Also..I don't remember if i ever mentioned it somewhere before, but i like shooting, and now i also have a gun omggg. Only this thing keeps me in countryside house and not at city. And one more thing to guess my age is that i finally ended school this year and i'll have to go through all those exams soon.I feel surprisingly calm about all of it anyway, so it's not a big deal. Thanks for reading if someone read it all. Stay safe :))

15/04/23
That's me.1000%.

21/03/23
Found this in some txt files...it was in "pets corner" before: In march i had an idea to buy or find a new pet.But i don't have much money and i can easily forget that i have something to care of :DD.At first i wanted to buy a rat(CAUSE,GUYS,THEY ARE SO COOL NGL).But after i saw how active they are,i understood that theywon't be so happy living with me.I like to just have something and don't care about it much.So, i started to search the internet for something exotic and calm.And here i found out about stick insects! I bought 3 insects and they're still alive(wow).I tried to give them funny names, but they were too much similar first months,so i couldn't remember who is who.But the one was really different.He had just four legs,because two more broke because something scared him :( As time flew by,he grew two legs back.He is the smallest one in my stick insects family.There are also the biggest one(and the most obedient), and middle one(he's just basic). --------- They all died btw :))

10/03/23
02:37 am lol: I'm so attached to internet rn. i understand that i have no one who cares about me irl, and yes i love my internet friends, so much, but.. u know, why there's no one around me when I need support in real life? when i want to hang out or smth? I'm trying to make myself look like interesting person with some goals in life, but no one cares actually B) "love" those night thoughts, they won't let me sleep >:((( Okay, to not leave this day as a depressed one, I'll tell something else ig.i have an idea to post some of my screenshots from roblox to a shitposting page, because what else is more likely shitpost than it,lol.And some new nice artworks i have for an art page.i kinda love them really,most were made for my friends.(it may seem like i have a lot,but nah, actually 1-2 friends if they're even replying.) so yeah, there would be updates soon, but for now i just felt like writing something here. Like, c'mon, it's called diary page, so i can text whatever i want :DD. Going to sleep now and dying on lessons because I'll be sooooo sleepy!! :))

14/02/23
Happy Valentine's day everyone^^

23/01/23
That was a nice day.But the evening wasn't that good, ehhhh... Gotta change some things in my life as soon as possible :v

19/01/23
Had the most number of hits yesterday ,whyyy I haven't updated my website for a while '-'

30/12/22
I need to change my art style I need to change my art style I need to change my art style I need to change my art style I need to change my art style If i even have one,lmao

29/12/22
Hmmm that's New Year soon, and it's my own business to buy a present for myself, or i won't get one D:. I'm kinda lazy now,but soon I'll update shitpost page, and there would appear some memes or other internet stuff, idk. Sad news!!:All stick-insects are dead.And I'm saving one of them for putting it into epoxy resign. Poor guys, i loved all three of them so much:( But life sucks so... And i guess my fish are going to die soon too, they all kinda look ill, but I'm not very sad, cause if I'm lucky, then I'll found them dead before they rot somewhere in a fish tank. Not mentioning all these things, I've started to feel quite happy lately,life is getting brighter.

15/12/22
I just remembered, that in summer i could hear trains before falling asleep.Now it's winter and windows are always closed, so I can't really identify any sounds. Maybe it still is, but really really quiet.And there was also a bird(??) or something that made creaking sound which I don't know how to describe. It was much alike sound of an old swing.A creepy thing about it, is that this sound happened at night, never in the daytime.

13/12/22
I feel sick, so no big updates for a while.Stay healthy!!:p (Actually, forget about it, I'm still writing stuff here,lol)

04/12/22
Really nice day.Went for a walk with my friend, we ate in a restaurant.I don't visit restaurants much so i love to do it sometimes. My crazy question to CaptainHowdy in Tumblr is declined i guess, but i do understand why,so it's not much of a problem.I just choose strange ways to find friends, the question was smth about it) So if u are here for some reason and want to talk,anyone really, u can write to me in any social media,i will never bite :). One more stupid thing about today.I bought funny-looking plushie which u can check on my Pinterest. That was an impulsive action to buy it, but i like to make stupid decisions,so yeah. And i got rid of my dreams html file for a while,i just don't have enough motivation to write about my dreams now.May recreate it later.May not.Idk either. Good night!! Or, well, it's day for u maybe..

03/12/22
I truly think this is funny how filter recognised one more person behind Neil-- And i also send it to Neil himself, I'm brave as f/ck B) (BTW I'm going to maybe create one more html file just for uploading my dead animals which most are resting in epoxy resign)


1/12/22
10k views.Wow. And one more dead pet,yellow ternetiya fish this time.

30/11/22
Adopt-shops keep not accepting my adopts. I'm slowly going insane, i tried to draw smth looking good five times, and it's still not good enough for them :l. I want to buy a spider so bad.Like yeah real one, i want SO BAAAD... There is only one seller quite far away from me in the city, so it's quite complicated. I guess my only way is to talk with parents about it(so they could drive me here)but they still laugh about it and nothing more.I feel like a very very young child now.

01/11/22
There weren't any updates for a while, i apologise :(.Hmm, what's new in my life..Well,i finally cut my hair in october,now it's short.I had mallet for a while,but my hair is quite fluffy and thick and it's very complicated to go without ponytail or anything like that with medium length hair. For a period of time in summer 2021 (when i was going threw my tomboy arc) i had very short hair,and i really loved it,but i'm too lazy to go to the hairdresser every 2-3 months. I tried to shoot some birds outside, it didn't went well.Earlier i shoot rats and it was quite fun,but there aren't any rats anymore( I made a ring with that orange mushroom i found in woods,maybe it's going to slowly rot in an epoxy resin.. And one more interesting thing is that i found my catfish's bone in a fish tank. I thought that fish was alive..I should better look after my pets haha.. Ok,i guess it's all for now. Now,I'm going to learn some jurisprudence sh/t for helping guilty people in future. Byeee!!!

05/10/22
how to talk to people

19/09/22
Hiii!!! I feel okay, just came from a walk. I love to go outside when it's late, i guess it's my favourite time of day. There aren't any people and i feel like I'm just a ghost, who's wondering around.The weather was extremely cold a week before, but now it's better.I feel a bit sick,so maybe I'll skip some school lessons.My classmates and teachers won't care anyway. I'm thinking about creating a new page , where i will upload all of my dolls i had made. I'm so proud of how many people found them looking good, that made me love them more. Recently i took some pictures with me and dolls, and i found myself looking creepy with all these creations around,haha. Especially with my Gabriel (from mandela catalogue) plushie. He isn't the most positive character at all.I have some dreams to upload to the dreams section.I noticed that I can't remember much dreams when i have school tomorrow day. Otherwise i remember much more when it's weekend.Oh, also, i had found a white feather on another side of a window. I like to think about it ,like that is some kind of a sign from above. I googled that white feathers almost always mean good things in future.For now, that's all. Thank u for staying here, thanks every new follower for follow. I notice everyone. Good luck, byeeee <з

03/09/22
Hi!!!First school day this year was quite okay, not mentioning that i spent 8 hours at school. Really, it's easy to get used to school when you should be here for that long at FIRST DAY. I found a guy in telegram, who was interested in my rock-collection.But he doesn't answer me two days.Guess that's the end,haha.I want to make a meme animation so bad,but knowing how much time should i spend for this doesn't make me feel good.Maybe I'll make it one day.I tried a 'replay'function in picsart, and I really like it.It makes editing much easier. Thanks for reading it(if you did). I appreciate it.

03/08/22
I made some rings of epoxy resin, i'll try to upload them to my art place tomorrow.Well, i feel okay,everything is alright, i had some pretty interesting dreams.I'm trying to be very productive before school starts next month.On August 1 or 2 i tried to reanimate a bird, which my cat bited.But it was a stupid desicion to believe that the bird could be alive, cause its ribs were able to be seen. And he lost some blood before i came.Eh... Well, i buried it and cut off one wing. Idk why,i just like how they look like.I'll put it somewhere as a weird decoration element and a reminder of my stupid actions.

29/07/22
Want to cut my hair so badly T-T. I've got a friend,who has the same haircut for her whole life, i would never be able to understand how. I often want to change something.

26/07/22
I was making a clown boy all day.There are still things i could make better, but maaan,i love the result so much!!!His head, feet and hands made of clay, and the other of cloths,not mentioning decoration elements. I also made one more complect of head,feet and hands for other one handmade doll.But i'll make it later, i'm tired of making that one. But it was worth it, i love him.I'll come up with a name soon.He looks pretty much mischievous and curious.

25/07/22
I took some nice pics today.When i was in a mall i saw a grown man. He was looking at a model of a town with a wide childish smile on his face.It looked kinda cute.

24/07/22
Made Nyon plush(from ranfren). You can check him and more plushies in my pinterest :).

22/07/22
Almost whole day i was working with that web site and watched others' web sites.It was a pretty chill day anyway, i did nothing exhausting.I have to get ready to my school exams and it's so fckng boring i've got better things to doooooo...Okay, i won't talk about school much, just gonna pull myself together and study some subjects someday.Better to do that as soon as possible...BORINGGGKGK. Okay, bye, i'm going to sleep for a while :)